Monday, April 2, 2012

Trusting to Bend Back

Standing Backbend
At the Central Iowa Yoga Retreat yesterday, James Miller utters the words Standing Backbend and my body immediately tenses.  Really Lynn Marie, 3 hours of yoga and you tighten up like the day began with just the sound of two words?

I can do wheel - on my finger tips or even dropping to my forearms.  I have the strength and flexibility to do beautiful backbends.  It's not the pose itself that elicits fear.  So what is it?  This was the part of our practice we had the assistance of our partners.  I turn to my partner, who is also a student of mine, and immediately tell her I'm terrified of standing backbends.  I even give her a chance to feel my sweaty palms.  Eww - I know.  But I needed her to understand I'm not as invincible as I may seem in class.

We do a couple variations; no problem.  We come back together as a group and James shares a bit about Trust.  I, in my backbend euphoria, only hear not quite listening.  We go back to our partners.  I again turn to Susan and say, "I don't know why but they scare me."  Susan knowing my story says, "Lynn, it's about trust."  Tears well up in my eyes.  An issue of trust?  Wow, that's it.

With a standing backbend, we trust what we can't see.  We arch back, opening our hearts with complete trust that we will be supported.  We trust that we will be free from harm - free from pain.

I trusted Ron, my now ex-husband.  I gave him my heart.  Ron left taking with him my confidence to trust.  Ron left every problem, issue and challenge to me.  That day I came home from yoga class... that day before my birthday... I saw the note.  I dropped to the ground in tears.  Returning to child's pose, my dining room floor supported me and what felt like the weight of the world universe.

I trusted Ron and his intentions.  With complete disregard to my heart he made his choice.  I have used the last two years to make choices to honor that which is within me, fueling my passions and expressing my authentic self.  I have found solutions to challenges my lawyers (yes two) and banker said were unique... unlike anything they've seen.  I have reconnected with my strength.

My divorce is now final.  My life and choices independently my own.  Yet here on my mat I find the salty residue of my tears from that day my trust, my heart was broken.  Standing and bending back truly requires an open heart and trust - in myself and/or my partner.

Wheel or Upward Bow Pose
Can I open my heart to another exposing myself to the possibility of pain and harm?  I say to myself, "May I be free from all harm and pain.  May I be happy."  Can I trust another?  "May I be able to live in this world happily, peacefully, joyfully and with ease."

I would love to write and say I've conquered this fear... but I haven't.  Today I've become aware and acknowledge the fear.  This day I move forward in embracing the emotion of fear as well as the hurt from my once broken heart.  It will open again; it is opening now.  Today I affirm my spirit and its innate ability to heal and find space within.  Today I set my intentions

  • I am fearless. 
  • I trust myself.
  • I trust others.
  • My heart is open.
  • I am open to receive as well as to give.
  • I love fearlessly.
  • I fully express my love with myself and others.
Tomorrow I try again.  One day I'll dropback free from all fear.